"I'm not your guinea pig!"
In this post, I contemplated the influence that a psychologist's personal life could have on his or her professional life. But what about the reverse? How does my profession influence the way I interact with others in my personal life, or in the ways they interact with me?
When I was still an undergrad doing my bachelor's degree in Psychology, I was worried that a new, but close, friend of mine might be suicidal. When I started to ask her more questions to figure out whether she was in danger of hurting herself, she told me to stop, that I wasn't her "psychology guinea pig". It turned out that she was, in fact, suicidal, and a couple of years later she wound up apologizing for hurtful comments she made and reassured me that they were more about her than they ever were about me. But it got me thinking.
Months ago, a close friend disclosed that she had been sexually assaulted when she was younger. I was apparently the first person she had opened up to in years. Naturally, I felt a need to help in some way, to be compassionate and understanding and allow her the opportunity to share openly. And then I realized that I was having some trouble with that, because she was a friend, not a client. I felt like I would have known exactly what to do and say if we were within the context of a therapy session, but I found myself being scared about asking too many questions, of sounding too much like a therapist, of becoming her therapist by wanting to help her "work through" the trauma in the way I would with a client. Talk about an ethical dilemma.
Recently, my sister was going through a difficult relationship break-up, and oscillated frequently between thinking her ex was the most despicable person for having ever had the nerve to break her heart, and being desperate to have him back in her life. She would call/text me constantly, and I would do my best to be there for, to support her without judgement -- which, I'll admit, was difficult since I believed that she did actually have a major part to play in the reasons her ex ended their relationship. I tried my best to help her focus on what she could do to take care of herself rather than getting so caught up in what he was and wasn't doing to make their relationship work, but she would continue to go on for ages about how angry she was with her ex (queue an onslaught of blaming, name-calling, and expletives). At the same time, though, she kept saying how much she missed him and wanted him to come home. I pointed out the obvious discrepancies in a way that I had hoped would sound minimally "preachy", but it was not well received and she accused me of acting more like a psychologist and less like her sister, because "not once" had I agreed with her that her ex was acting like a mean, insensitive jerk.
I can't help but wonder whether my ability to be friend is affected, for better or worse, by my training as a therapist. Would I react to personal/social situations differently if I weren't so acutely aware of the effects of bias, judgement, and non-objectivity in the professional realm, of how I might approach these same issues with a client? Do I wear the "therapy hat" in situations where I shouldn't? On the other hand, do I sometimes miss opportunities to use my training to help benefit my friends and family because of my own fears and anxieties that these efforts will not be well received? Do my friends avoid opening up to me because they think I will "therapize" them?
There are times I really do wind up feeling stuck: The fear of acting too much like one and not enough like the other becomes almost paralyzing. If I do something, I worry that it wasn't the right thing to do as a friend; if I do nothing, I wonder if I should have done more and wind up feeling worse. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to these issues. My friends have often reassured me that they have not perceived me in this way and it's probably true -- these anxieties most likely say more about my own insecurities than anything or anyone else.
As a mental health professional, do you find it easier or more challenging to relate with non-clients (friends, family, close acquaintances) who are experiencing personal difficulties or crises? How do you set and maintain your personal and professional boundaries to avoid treating them like clients?
If you have friends or family members who are therapists, do you ever feel that you're being treated differently as a result of their training? Do you wish they would offer you less, or more, in the way of professional advice?
When I was still an undergrad doing my bachelor's degree in Psychology, I was worried that a new, but close, friend of mine might be suicidal. When I started to ask her more questions to figure out whether she was in danger of hurting herself, she told me to stop, that I wasn't her "psychology guinea pig". It turned out that she was, in fact, suicidal, and a couple of years later she wound up apologizing for hurtful comments she made and reassured me that they were more about her than they ever were about me. But it got me thinking.
Months ago, a close friend disclosed that she had been sexually assaulted when she was younger. I was apparently the first person she had opened up to in years. Naturally, I felt a need to help in some way, to be compassionate and understanding and allow her the opportunity to share openly. And then I realized that I was having some trouble with that, because she was a friend, not a client. I felt like I would have known exactly what to do and say if we were within the context of a therapy session, but I found myself being scared about asking too many questions, of sounding too much like a therapist, of becoming her therapist by wanting to help her "work through" the trauma in the way I would with a client. Talk about an ethical dilemma.
Recently, my sister was going through a difficult relationship break-up, and oscillated frequently between thinking her ex was the most despicable person for having ever had the nerve to break her heart, and being desperate to have him back in her life. She would call/text me constantly, and I would do my best to be there for, to support her without judgement -- which, I'll admit, was difficult since I believed that she did actually have a major part to play in the reasons her ex ended their relationship. I tried my best to help her focus on what she could do to take care of herself rather than getting so caught up in what he was and wasn't doing to make their relationship work, but she would continue to go on for ages about how angry she was with her ex (queue an onslaught of blaming, name-calling, and expletives). At the same time, though, she kept saying how much she missed him and wanted him to come home. I pointed out the obvious discrepancies in a way that I had hoped would sound minimally "preachy", but it was not well received and she accused me of acting more like a psychologist and less like her sister, because "not once" had I agreed with her that her ex was acting like a mean, insensitive jerk.
I can't help but wonder whether my ability to be friend is affected, for better or worse, by my training as a therapist. Would I react to personal/social situations differently if I weren't so acutely aware of the effects of bias, judgement, and non-objectivity in the professional realm, of how I might approach these same issues with a client? Do I wear the "therapy hat" in situations where I shouldn't? On the other hand, do I sometimes miss opportunities to use my training to help benefit my friends and family because of my own fears and anxieties that these efforts will not be well received? Do my friends avoid opening up to me because they think I will "therapize" them?
There are times I really do wind up feeling stuck: The fear of acting too much like one and not enough like the other becomes almost paralyzing. If I do something, I worry that it wasn't the right thing to do as a friend; if I do nothing, I wonder if I should have done more and wind up feeling worse. Maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to these issues. My friends have often reassured me that they have not perceived me in this way and it's probably true -- these anxieties most likely say more about my own insecurities than anything or anyone else.
As a mental health professional, do you find it easier or more challenging to relate with non-clients (friends, family, close acquaintances) who are experiencing personal difficulties or crises? How do you set and maintain your personal and professional boundaries to avoid treating them like clients?
If you have friends or family members who are therapists, do you ever feel that you're being treated differently as a result of their training? Do you wish they would offer you less, or more, in the way of professional advice?
I know my mother doesn't even bother to remove her "therapist hat" when I talk to her. It's such a part of who she is as a person that I don't think she can help it. In some situations I don't mind it, in other, frankly I just want her to be mom.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Sheep :)
ReplyDeleteI suppose that, like any ethical dilemma, the first step is simply being aware that there is a potential issue, and I believe this post illustrates quite clearly that I am very self-aware of the ever-present existence of my "hat".
And I sure hope that those in my personal circles would feel comfortable enough to be honest with me if they ever felt I was wearing it too much or too little!