The Power of Words

My parents have been married for nearly 30 years. The only real piece of relationship advice they've ever imparted on me is this:

"Respect each other." 

So often, we lash out in anger or frustration, only to feel regretful once we've calmed down and regained perspective. How many times have you heard, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean that" after an especially hurtful exchange, with the expectation that all would somehow magically be forgotten?

When we're angry, our defenses go up. Our adrenalin pumps. We're flooded with emotion. We want the [perceived] source(s) of our anger to be perfectly aware of what they've done to create this feeling for us. And thus, we become more uninhibited and apt to express ourselves in ways that perhaps we ordinarily would not. Suddenly, "I feel hurt that you forgot our anniversary" becomes, "You're a selfish, inconsiderate jerk who never thinks about my feelings and I hate you!"

I was talking with a close friend the other day about how her partner had suddenly, and seemingly without any provocation whatsoever, launched into an attack on her and blamed her for a number of factors he believed were creating stress and conflict in their relationship. When she became upset and challenged him, he accused her of being unfair and told her to "find another boyfriend to deal with [her] shit". He later apologized, said that he couldn't recall making that statement, that he loved her and would never do anything to hurt her, and that he hated himself for what had happened.

Handle them carefully, 
for words have more power 
than atom bombs. 

(Pearl Strachan) 

But the damage had already been done. My friend spent the next few days trying to understand, first, what the heck had just happened, and second, what actually prompted his anger in the first place. They have since talked things over and made amends, but I can't help but wonder if his words will ever truly be forgotten or overlooked. 

The fact of the matter is, once something has been said, it can't be unsaid. A hurtful word or premature accusation can't be un-heard. No matter how much we try to apologize or explain or mitigate or minimize,  the potency of those words will continue to linger long after they have been "taken back".

And the other fact of the matter is, no matter how many times you say you didn't mean something, your words did come from somewhere, and the person towards whom they were directed will continue to be affected by them in any number of ways. Simply put, if you really didn't mean it, you'd have never been inclined to say it.

"Speak when you are angry and

you will make the best speech 

you will ever regret." 
(Lawrence J. Peter)

I'll borrow some wise words from our good friend, Dr. Phil McGraw: Anger is "nothing more than a cover for hurt, frustration or fear -- or all three". We often lash out at our loved ones because they're "easy targets" -- we know (or at least, we assume) that they'll always be there for us, accept us, and forgive us. And the sad truth is that many of us will never realize the error of our ways until it's too late and we've lost those most dear to us.

We all deserve respect from the people we love, and we all have the responsibility of treating those we love with the same level of respect. Fight the impulse to take your anger out on others until you have allowed yourself time to consider your true feelings, understand the source of your anger, and consider the potential negative impact of your words on those around you. Then, "speak clearly, if you speak at all; carve every word before you let it fall" (Oliver Wendell Holmes).

Respect each other.
Truer words have never been spoken.